More Fluid Thoughts on Fatness and Fatphobia

I’ve lived my life in a constant state of rejecting my own body. If you’re struggling with internalized fatphobia, I’m here to tell you that it’s most likely going to get worse before it gets better. I reached an extreme low when I started started choosing the body type I desired based on Instagram models who have paid for their bodies. “I want her ass, with such and such’s hips, and definitely ms. thang’s titties.” Now, keep in mind, I am not by any means surgery shaming, but I continued to immerse myself in a world that provided me with unrealistic body expectations. I based the value of my femininity on how small my waist should be and how fat my ass could be if I did enough squats. And, the truth remains, that I still have the desire to look like that. But, I am working towards more sustainable health goals instead of solely focusing on what I look like on the outside. Physical appearance means nothing if you’re not okay in terms of overall holistic health. To combat this deeply rooted body insecurity, I’ve committed to a yoga practice of three times per week since mid-February, attend weekly sessions with my therapist, and I have just resumed the supervision of a clinical dietitian to help me set realistic nutrition goals. Each and everyday I am unlearning bad habits and harmful ways of thinking, but it truly is about progress and not perfection. Some days, I’m on fire as I go to yoga, eat mindfully, meditate, and accomplish goals outside of work AND get 7 hours of sleep. But, other days are almost the exact opposite and I’m figuring out that it’s normal for a 20 something to not have it all together. The very same unrealistic expectations I apply to my body I also apply to my life in general. But, we thank our stars for therapy. I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m way further along in my self-love journey than where I began. I am finally understanding to trust the journey and not to over-anticipate the destination. This isn’t even new information to me, but it does help to reiterate what I already know to really ground myself so that I can stay the course. And, when I take a beat to just listen to what I need and ignore what the world expects, I feel a peace that allows me to move forward. So, keep at it. Take small steps. And, let’s love ourselves enough to do no harm to our bodies.

— Fluid Flower